Monsters
by Evedina
Summary: Established wolfstar. Remus and Sirius are both afraid of monsters.


A/N: It has been a very long time since I've written, let alone published, anything so please be kind. Also all this angst can be blamed on the hp rp community on tumblr :D (Cause my stories are usually just soooo full of sunshine :P)

"Is it worth it?" Remus asked without moving.

It was the middle of the night and other than Remus and Sirius the Gryffindor common room was completely empty. The previous night had been the full moon and Remus was too exhausted to sleep, a ridiculous notion but somehow true. Every month he spent the day following the full moon knocked out at the infirmary, and then the following night lying on a couch at the common room, looking out the window at the stars. Not the moon, just the stars. For the past few months Sirius had been joining him.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Sirius had been both concerned and annoyed when he'd found out about Remus' monthly habit, well, another monthly habit.

"I didn't tell you now, you only found out cause you tried to climb into my bed in the middle of the night."

"Yeah well, I wanted to cuddle you better." Remus had blushed at that. Their relationship going from best friends to boyfriends had still felt weird to him, the idea of being lucky enough to love someone who answered that love feeling way too lucky for him.

"You have any idea how much trouble we'd be in if somebody found out we slept in the same bed?"

"Whereas hanging out in the common room in the middle of the night is perfectly by the rules, is it?"

"I'd probably be fine. They'd understand me still being a bit restless."

"So they'll understand your loving boyfriend staying by you to make sure you calm down."

Remus had tried to get Sirius to change his mind but it had been in vain, so here they were again; Sirius sitting on a couch with his head laid back and eyes closed, his feet on a table, turning a chess piece around in his left hand and running his right hand through Remus' hair, Remus completely comfortable lying on the couch with his head in Sirius' lap.

"Hm?" Sirius didn't even open his eyes, didn't stop playing with Remus' hair. "Is what worth it?"

There was a moment of silence before Remus found the right words. It was important that he didn't make it seem like he didn't appreciate everything Sirius did, everything Sirius was, for him.

"Me, being a werewolf, turning into a monster once a month… All the hassle, all the looking over your shoulder, keeping secrets, me needing attention, you being tired, all of this…" he waved his hand a little. "Is it worth it?" He could feel Sirius tense a little but other than that neither of them changed positions or otherwise stopped what they were doing. Sirius sighed.

"Is being with you, loving you, worth all the… hassle, that how you put it?" Remus nodded and waited, he wasn't sure if he was breathing. "Before I answer you, let me tell you something. A story, if you'd like."

Remus frowned but didn't try to stop him, Sirius cleared his throat, corrected his position a little and started.

"There's this boy. When he starts at Hogwarts he gets sorted into Gryffindor. He's a tad shocked since he doesn't feel all that brave or chivalrous, doesn't think he can be all that good… Because you see, there's this darkness inside him."

Remus tensed a little. This was clearly a story about him and though he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it he decided to see where it was going. After all, he enjoyed listening Sirius while the boy kept playing with his hair.

"But he goes with the flow and against all the odds even makes some friends. But he's still afraid. Because he can still feel it. The darkness. And there's these people… people who think that all he can ever be is some kind of a monster, even people who encourage him to be that. They all say that that's who he is, that it's in his blood" Sirius clears his throat again as he uses his left hand to wipe away a single tear.

"Sirius…"

"Shh, not finished yet. Cause you see, it gets better. These friends that he's made, they take him as is. He doesn't have to hide himself or change himself or anything. They know every side of him, good, bad, hairy" at that they both chuckle. "And they want him. There's no fear, no pity, no shoulds, coulds or whatifs. Just them, as they are." Sirius sighed again, pulled his feet down, put the chess piece away and nudged Remus so the boy sat up to look at him. "Who was I talking about Rem?"

"Well it's obviously me, isn't it?" Remus said and looked down. Sirius scooted closer so that they were facing each other and gently took the scarred hands in his own.

"It was me. Is me" Sirius said and smiled at the shock and confusion on Remus' face. "Imagine if they'd put me into Slytherin. Imagine if I hadn't found you guys. Found you" at that he lifted Remus' hand to kiss it. "There's all this darkness in me and I've been fighting it my whole life, but I'm not as strong as you Moony. Eventually I would've caved. I would've become what they want me to be."

"Sirius, you're a good person, you would never…"

"You keep me good. You, James, Peter… You've made me feel like it's alright to be me."

"Because it is. Just because your family wants you to be as dark and twisted as they are…" Remus shook his head. "You could never be a monster Pads."

"But I could. You think you're bad? Even if you gave in and became as reckless and fearsome as you could be, you would never be as bad as I would be if I gave in to my blood." Sirius looked deep into Remus' eyes to make a point. "There are worse faiths than being turned, or even killed, by a werewolf. And I share a house with those who know how to cause them all."

Remus wasn't sure when his tears had started falling but he tried his best now to wipe them away. He'd had no idea that Sirius thought of himself like this. They all knew that Sirius had this fear of being seen as a part of his family rather than who he was as an individual, but that he actually thought it would've been possible, likely even, that he'd gone dark. That gave Remus shivers.

"You alright? Are you cold?" Sirius was about to stand up, to go get Remus a blanket, but he was quickly pulled back, and straight into Remus' arms.

"You are impossible. You are foolish, take dumb risks and can't shut your mouth to save your life, but bad… I'd like to think that as dark and mad as I am, that I wouldn't have fallen in love with someone like that" Remus said into Sirius' hair and kept his arms tightly around the other boy.

Sirius chuckled and wrapped his own arms around Remus. "You keep me strong Moony. You keep me good."

"Now if I could only keep you from mouthing off and getting into trouble."

"You'd have to separate me from master Potter I'm afraid."

"It'd be easier to get Snape to love us."

"Hah!" Sirius lifted his head enough to kiss Remus. "Please don't ever mention Snape again while holding me."

"Deal."

They stayed silent for while, lying in each other's arms, Sirius once again had his fingers in Remus' hair.

"I think that, maybe everyone has some darkness into them" Remus pondered out loud.

"You might be right."

"Except for Prongs."

"That's cause he's too mad to be anything put a ball of positive energy. The dork."

"That's true. What about Pete?"

"Hmm… Don't know. Maybe he'll surprise us someday."

"Maybe."

And with that they drifted off to sleep.


End file.
